3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
