Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
