I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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