Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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