I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize