The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Be still, my beating vagina.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
