I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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