Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
