After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
