Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
