I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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