I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
