Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
