i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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