margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
be right there i have to get my cape
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
