she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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