Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
