she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
