Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
