Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize