I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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