He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
