Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
i think i just lost a toe
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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