I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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