Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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