so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
