she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
