im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
