Having a random hookup so left but love u
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
