I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
