Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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