i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
