i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
