I only kidnapped one of them. chill
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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