I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
