For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
