If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
