The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
