new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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