I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
