Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
