The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
