You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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