Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize