If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
