people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
