Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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