I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
