dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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