your thong is hanging out like whoa
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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