We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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