I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
