I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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