Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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