Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
