im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm both gender and math confused
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
