so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
