"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
